So far 2009 has been great, and I’ve been able to maintain clarity and positivity with relative ease. Of course, I’ve managed to do this while on vacation and hanging out at home with my awesome kids. No timetables or deadlines. No alarm clocks. Nothing I had to do and nowhere I had to be. Away from snipey emails; away from an impossibly insurmountable to-do list; away from office politics, policies and procedures. Nothing to distract me except all the things I enjoy being distracted by. In short, paradise.

Now my days are numbered, so to speak, and I’m faced with the very real and looming threat of returning to work. That evil place where they keep my paycheck. I’m bracing myself for the fall and strengthening my resolve…because the real test of my newly found focus will hit me over the ahead with a 5 a.m. wakeup call on Monday morning. So I’ll distract myself from the pain and suffering with a humorous look at the “Top 5 Work-Related Assaults and How to Combat Them.”

1. Too Much Corporate Speak
One of the most irritating daily assaults against my fragile sanity is the incessant use by corporate drones of annoying buzzwords. The powers-that-be at my place of employment are psychotically in love with the pomp and circumstance of all the popular business jargon like: deep dive, all-hands meeting, value-add, at the end of the day, it is what it is, talk to that point, reach out, offline. Luckily for me (her voice dripping with sarcasm), my company also likes to make up its own “special” lingo to supplement this amazing buzzword obsession. So I get an extra helping of BS to make my days all the more magical.

Fighting the Attack: Survive endless, boring meetings by playing buzzword (also known as bullshit) bingo. Print the cards out the old-fashioned way or, if you plan to be laptop enabled at your next corporate snooze fest, try the cool bullshit bingo widget. For additional laughs, check out the clever video below:

2. Biting Your Tongue
One of the most challenging aspects of work is the inability to say what you really mean and properly express yourself. Instead, you have to say what your boss wants to hear. You have to say “yes” when you really mean “hell no!” You have to say “thanks for the opportunity” when you really mean “take this job and shove it.” You have to smile politely when you’d greatly prefer to spew obscenities. It’s exhausting being civil and professional and politically correct all day.

Fighting the Attack: Develop a secret language for communicating with difficult people. You’ll get to say what you’re really thinking, while still sounding delightfully professional to the uninitiated. Read one of the funniest email forwards ever to learn how to hide your contempt at work. Simply remove those naughty swear words from your vocabulary and replace them with more appropriate phrases. However, if you simply must swear at work (believe me, I can relate), check out the brilliant swear jar video below to learn how to put your foul mouth to good use.

3. Your Boss is a Tool
According to a study by Florida State University, 40% of workers in the business world think they work for bad bosses. And a recent report from Swedish researchers reveals that working for a bad boss may actually be hazardous to your health:

Workers saddled for four years with managers who were inconsiderate, opaque, uncommunicative, and pooer advocates were about 60 percent more likely to suffer a heart attack or other life-threatening condition.

Yikes! If you can’t quit your job, there may not be much you can do about your pompous, insensitive, smug, lazy, disrespectful and/or blowhard boss. But fortunately there are ways to alleviate some of the stress a bad boss can cause so you can save your sanity…and your health!

Fighting the Attack: Clearly, you can’t whack your boss in real life. But you can kill some time enjoying this awesome virtual management murder spree for a few laughs and to relieve the pent up hostility. Send subtle message to your boss or take a more direct approach using anonymous feedback. If your boss is a real douche, show him how you feel with a special delivery. You might also consider putting your boss’ mug on your very own voodoo doll to exact your well-deserved revenge against Mr. Bossy Pants.

4. People Are A**Holes
Unfortunately, it isn’t always just your boss or the corporate muckety-mucks that can make your life a living hell. You might still have to contend with the evil customer drunk with the power he holds over you or the mind-numbingly annoying co-worker straight out of Office Space.

Fighting the Attack: For those of you frustrated by obnoxious, self-important, patronizing, downright rude customers — take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. Visit this extremely funny website featuring personal accounts from the trenches of customer service hell. You may also enjoy reading this rant on the ridiculous “the customer is always right” philosophy that forces so many of us to endure unfair abuse at the hands of cruel customers. You might also find it quite helpful to display the sign below in a prominent location at work to alert the would-be persecutors of potential repercussions for their behavior:

Are loud, nosy, petty, annoying co-workers more your problem? First, make sure YOU are not the annoying co-worker. Take this helpful quiz brought to you by the good folks at CNN. If you’ve been cleared, the next step is take this quiz to determine how crazy your co-worker is. Finally, send your awful or annoying co-worker an anonymous, spam-free message to let he or she know how you really feel.

5. Your Job Sucks
Sometimes it’s not just one thing that drives you to edge of insanity each day, but a million little things. Sometimes the problem is much bigger than a bad boss, a crazy co-worker or useless meetings filled with senseless jargon. Unfortunately, for far too many of us, our jobs just suck. We’d quit if we could. But we’re slaves to the paycheck and victims of a crappy job market. So we endure the torture and suffer endlessly in silence.

Fighting the Attack: Sometimes all we need to feel better about our pathetic situation is to be reminded of all those who have it worse than us. Low Morale is a hilarious series of animations dealing with the “soul-sapping, will-to-live draining, life-force mugging, morale-crushing experiences of work.” Surely your work life is at least a little better than that of the protagonist, and that should put a little extra pep in your step. You can also read about the worst jobs in America and take comfort if you’re particular occupation isn’t listed (my sincere apologies if it is). If you’re convinced you still have it worse, consider purchasing this fantastic shirt to share your sentiments with the world:

Another great way to blow off steam and voice your righteous indignation is to share your 9 to 5 horror stories with the world. Visit workrant.com to rant away all your work rage — anonymously — and ease the frustration. Join the community at Job Haters United. Share inside information on what it’s like to work at your job (whether you love it or hate it) at jobvent.com and see what others have to say about well-known companies. Finally, to help alleviate the symptoms of work rot, browse the job stories at the very funny jobschmob.com and post your own nightmare tale (anonymously, of course).

If all else fails, you can try saying this at your exit interview to finally achieve some sense of satisfaction.